Paradox >>> When I have something I really want to say, I don’t expect anyone to listen because it’s usually a sincere concern about the self-deluding habits of the average human being. We’re all either lost in the past, future or our personal ambitions. Getting rich, getting laid, getting better, getting converts, etc. It’s either that or I really wanna say something about my ambitions. It’s all about sincere, heartfelt interaction. There’s very little of it on Facebook, which is why I don’t waste my time logging on.
On the converse, the times I’ve learned to expect people to listen are when I’m doing something entertaining, but I then end up telling myself to calm down because I don’t know the limits, and I end up embarrassing myself and others. (Anyone who’s ever told me to just ‘be normal’ for a photo: you understand now).
I often wish I could pull off a ‘turn’, where you hit people with your message (let’s evolve, starting with me) while you have their attention. But then I say to myself, ‘why am I preaching a message I’m not living?’ and start thinking too much. Besides, the people in my life are clever enough to know the difference between heartfelt interaction and a press release I keep on file for the turn.
So how can I socialize in environments where ‘keeping it light’ and ‘having a good time’ are the favored emotional tones?
The only solution I can find is to grab an instrument and socialize with that. It’s like talking to the god. I have to ignore people. I don’t enjoy getting fucked up anymore, so if there’s no instrument around, I usually end up drumming on the table or being the first one to leave. This is why I always answer invitations with ‘no’ automatically nowadays unless I know there’s something going on that involves me on my level. I don’t want social interaction. I want to play. I sometimes feel guilty about not ‘being sociable’ because I’m far more interested in doing than talking.
What I need now are musician friends.
[insert witty, light-hearted punchline which leaves reader feeling it’s all OK.]
Tomorrow will be the first night I’ve had to myself in a week. Mon: shopping with friend Leo. Tue: farewell bowling with Krystle. Wed: Woodstock bar with the intake group (haven’t seen them in ages). Thu: Korean co-workers semi-mandatory men’s night. Fri: 4 people stay over at my house. Sat: a movie turns into a meal turns into a mad night.
4am now, it’s been a radical week. Korean wedding tomorrow, have to buy a suit and present and do that. It ends thereafter. Carmen (my beautiful violin wife) is calling me. Her song is sad, like the ocean. Like the seas of my despair.
Nobody gets points for being the best. Gotta play to win.
Before you get too attached to your idea of success, make sure it’s your own.
Hurdles and boundaries everywhere, man. Don’t fight it.
Supporting charities and causes is one part genuine desire for change and one part washing our hands of the responsibility to make it.
I just farted in the key of the song that was playing.